Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 3

Open to close. Not the three words you want to hear when working retail. Luckily, the mall opened at 11 and closed on 7 this Sunday. And with three fantasy leagues to track throughout the day, it went by quite fast. Honestly, I didn't even know it opened at 11. I was surprised when I showed up at 11 to see them raising the gates. Win. The thing that sucked was that we sold out of the big helicopters (Cloud Forces) on Saturday, so I could only sell the small (Silver Bullets) on Sunday. It sucks because I get double the commission on the Cloud Forces, they're much more fun to fly and show off and it's far easier to sell when you have two things to offer for various ages/price ranges. I did get insanely good at flying the silver bullets, though. And it did lead to the quote of the day.
Quote of the day:

"Why do they name everything after vibrators now? Silver bullet this. Silver bullet that."
- A woman, in front of her kids, after being told the name of the 'copter. So many jokes I could have said back, but I just laughed.

Sales: Silver Bullet: 61

I swear I sold closer to 100, but I guess it was the shortest day and I didn't have any of the money makers.

Dumb Questions

I totally forgot the two dumbest things I see on a daily basis.

1. Candy Machine. Denied.

There's a candy machine right by the entrance with what appear to M&M's in them. It's written very clearly "this is not a working unit" twice on the front of the machine. Does this prevent 50 people a day from putting their hand in front of it? Of course not. I wish I could cue it to say "You are really dumb. For real." every time they put their hand there. Instead I just roll my eyes. Whatever, I get it. It's a candy machine*. You have to try. But the people who drive me nuts are the ones who don't get candy and then fuss and spend a good twenty seconds looking shocked and still fail to read the sign. At that point I wish they would just have it dispense cyanide. The counter to this? One kid stuck his grubby little finger inside and somehow got an M&M out despite it being designed to prevent this. I wanted to throw this kid a parade**. Anyway, 50 people tried to get candy. I'll start tracking this.

2. People. People who sell helicopters. Are the luckiest people...

People constantly tell me: "You get paid for this?" "You just fly helicopters all day?" "You have the best job in the world!" When kids tell me this I think, sure, at 11 I would have thought the same damn thing. When a 50 year old tells me how lucky I am, I want to tell them to fuck off. I'm in god damn Lafayette, Louisiana in the mall. The same 23 Christmas songs are playing on a loop. At least one of them is from a Glee soundtrack. Somehow the only one I liked, by Ben Folds, got cut from the mix, I have to wear a tie and stand on my feet all day and ask you how old your grandson is. Yes, I do enjoy playing with an endless supply of helicopters and batteries and I sure do need the money. But please, don't patronize me with a line that I have the best job in the world. Maybe the best job in the mall.


  • # of kids with a Justin Bieber t-shirt/haircut: 0 On Sunday, Bieber and god rest.
  • # of t-shirts dedicated to someone who died: 0
  • # of gifts I got: 0, but the staff at the mall calling me Austin now makes me sad and miss home.
  • # of times I remember hearing “Winter Wonderland” on the Christmas mix: 2. Now I keep hearing "Christmas Tree, oh Christmas Tree" and that "Last year I gave you my heart" song and they both suck a big bag of dicks.
  • # of free Asian chicken samples: 3. I cut back. I'm kind of getting over Terriyaki.
  • Clothes

  • Blue striped shirt -2nd day of it.
  • Khaki pants -3rd day in a row.
  • Silver tie - 3rd day in a row I think he's doing that dice move too much...

*The candy machine costs $50. Ya know what's better than a $50 candy machine? $50 worth of candy and a big free bag.

**I wouldn't want to go to said parade, because parades are really lame, but this kid deserved one.

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